Welcome to My Living Novel

In my world, the plot is always thickening.

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Can You Imagine Disaster?

Can you imagine a disaster so bad that you no longer have a home, a job, or a city to return to? The total picture is almost unfathomable to me. I mean I can imagine losing a home because that happens to people around the country everyday, but having your working environment washed away at the same time as your home is a jawing dropping mind blower to me. It’s such a tragedy that this is the reality of the thousands of people hit by Katrina. And it seems inhumane to be forced to tell these hard-working people that the home you created for yourself is inhabitable, and since the office building where you work is damaged as well, you no longer have a job or a way to earn back everything you lost. I don’t think there is any amount of insurance or aid that will give these people back what they have lost. They’ll have to start all over again kind of like a kid just getting out of school only with less support. My heart goes out to them because I can’t even imagine what I would do in their situation.

Sunday, August 28, 2005

My Inexplicable Celebrity Crush

I know it’s normal to have a celebrity crush, and that many people even keep a current top 5 list of celebrities they are attracted to locked in their memory banks. However, I have never been too serious about the matter. I’ve had the same three celebrity crushes since the age of fifteen. First there was Lenny Kravitz because he had the most beautiful dreadlocks, and his music opened my ears to rock. Second, there was Tiger Woods, because I was positive that I was going to meet and marry him, but some Swedish girl beat me to it. Finally, there was Antonio Banderas because accents are sexy. For seven years, the list has stayed the same, but on this memorable day I officially add a new celebrity to my list.

You would think that today would be a day of joy for me, adding fresh blood to an aging list, but I am torn. Usually, my celebrity crushes make sense to me, but this one doesn’t. You see I understood why I liked Lenny, Tiger, and Antonio, so I could be at peace about being irrational when they were interviewed on TV or when their picture was in a magazine. My new celebrity crush, however, makes no sense what so ever. Even my good friend Barefoot in Blue will not accept this man as legitimate crush. I’m almost to the point of feeling ashamed about my new crush, but I must confess it. I am totally digging on Gerard Way, the lead singer of My Chemical Romance. Now, I’m not looking for full girlfriend status. I just want to hold his absolutely adorable face in my hands and smooch on him for about 30 minutes and then send him back on the road to play his music. Isn’t that the most random crush, you ever heard? It’s beyond me why I like him so much. He’s not particularly handsome. He’s not opening my ears to a new style of music. He doesn’t even have an amazing rock and roll voice or accent. I don’t find anything particularly special about this kid, yet every time I see his video or listen to the band’s CD I can’t help but smiling. I think it was the “Helena” video that did it for me. He was just so dramatic carrying the coffin out of the church and everything. I was moved. He has that certain je ne sais quoi, and there is something about the contrast between his pale skin and the dyed black hair that does it for me. Mr. Way just seems very real to me, and it makes me happy just knowing that he exists.

We would make a cute couple for at least thirty minutes, don’t you think? Anyway, this new addition to my crush list is really making me wonder what makes us attracted to a person. I was so certain a year ago what type of person I would be attracted to, but all my old standards have clearly been thrown out the window and what I like is not very consistent anymore. But surely there must be someone else out there with an inexplicable celebrity crush. Share them if you wish so I won’t feel so alone.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Yeah for Learning and Confusion!

I saw the movie What the Bleep Do We Know last night, and though I didn't particularly like the film itself, I loved the ideas that were presented in it. The movie consists of about two dozen academic scholars using quantum physics theories to explain such unanswerable philosophical questions as "why are we here," and "what is reality?" It was quite possibly the most thought provoking movie I've ever seen. I just wish I could of truly understood what these people were talking about. I think they may have stirred more questions into my soul than answer them.

The movie starts with an indecipherable cluster of ideas, questioning our relationship with reality. They say that people feel powerless in our materialistic society because we believe that reality is external and separate from ourselves. These scholars believe that we create our own reality, seeing the things we choose. Quantum physics says that matter is not as solid as we thought it was. Matter is made out of atoms that have electrons that are popping in and out of existence. Because matter is always dynamic and is always moving, an object can exist in many different places at the same time. We choose with our minds where the matter appears.

Not only do we have the power to place an object where ever we like, we also have the ability to change the structure of matter with our thoughts . They talked about how a Japanese scientist Masaru Emoto did a study with water that proved that it's structure is affected my our thoughts, words, and feelings. He labeled each bottle with a different thought or feeling. One bottle was blessed by a monk, one was label with love, and one labeled thank you, and each different thought changed the molecular shape of the water on a microscopic level. Since our bodies are 75-90% water just think of how our thoughts must change our molecular structure.

I truly find this to be such a fascinating idea, and I agree completely that my thoughts can change my molecular make up. This movie however suggests that your thoughts could also bring you a better job or a better relationship, but I just can't seem to figure out how that can work. How can my thoughts change the people around me? What do I need to think to have another person say, 'Let me hire her. Let me love her.'" I still can't seem to wrap my head around all of these ideas. They are so different from everything I know, yet they could not have come into my life at a more appropriate time.

Just a few weeks ago, I was pondering the possibilities of our brain and our consciousness. Although we tend to think of our brain and our consciousness as one in the same, I was exploring the possibility that they can be different. I remember, for example, the first time that I realized I was alive and that I was an individual. I was probably between the ages of 4 and 7, and I was standing in my bedroom watching my mother walk down the hall. Suddenly, the realization came to me that my mother would die, that I would die, and that there was an individual voice inside my body named Kendra who was creating all of these thoughts. We are taught that this inner voice is coming from our brain, but I still find it hard to believe that the crude matter that exists inside of my skull can create complex theories, art, or poetry. Maybe, there is a more intangible inner self or spirit that is the source of every creative thought we have.

Now, don't get me wrong. I am not downplaying the significance of the human brain, and I'm not saying that the brain is incapable of any thought what so ever. I just think that thought within the brain itself may be a little limited, whereas thought within your inner self or your spiritual consciousness is limitless. Our brain can only think creatively about its own survival. My brain, for example, could come up with a new idea of how to hunt for food or shelter, but it couldn't come up with a symphony because a symphony has no role in keeping the body alive. I know my theory is not very scientific, and there is no experiment I could to do to prove it. I just find it amazing that we know what part of the brain controls memory, emotions, motor functions, and language, but we still haven't found a part of the brain that creates the new ideas.

I'm really more confused now than ever because I like both of these theories. They just don't seem to work very well together. With quantum physics our brains control everything, but in my theory the brain is insignificant. The intangible self is what creates everything, and when you talk about mystical inner spirits, you kind of have to have an all powerful deity with a master plan as well. I never knew it, but I think it gives me more comfort to think that there is some all powerful deity with a master plan for me. With the quantum physics, I am the creator of my reality. I make the plan and I follow through with it and that much responsibility is frightening. I don't know where to put all of this new information, but I'm sure that with time I will find a way to incorporate it all into a new spiritual dogma.

Monday, August 22, 2005

Love, Learning, and Peace

I had a really good conversation last night about love. It's the big word of our times, and it is always on our minds. And somehow the subject came up as I was talking with the most unlikely person. He is an acquaintance that I met at a wedding a few months ago, and ever since he writes me and calls ever so often. He's not quite my type. Way too macho and I'd hate to say it, but just I little bit angry at the world. It frustrates me so to see so much anger in a person, but he has his moments when he can be fascinating and sensitive, and last night was one of them.

Anyway, he asks about my "boyfriend," which is not an uncommon subject. I told him that I officially broke of with him a few weeks ago. Being as this is the first time I completely admitted that I actually had a "boyfriend," he was very inquisitive, wanting to know exactly why I ended it. I said it was because we didn't fit well together, and I was never going to fall in love with him. Since this is a very bold assumption to make, he questioned how I could know so soon that love was not even a possibility. To tell you the truth there's no simple answer to that question. Everything about this man, who I shall name Significant Other 1 a.k.a. SO1, was prefect on paper but not at all inspiring to be around. He was successful, responsible, always kind and thoughtful, but I was not moved by him. He had everything that I wanted for myself, but yet I did not find him wise enough to teach me anything of great value. He did amuse me though. We could go out together dancing or play some pool and we'd have the best time of our lives, but when we were alone and all was quiet we had nothing to say to one another. There was no peace in our conversations, because the few things he did have to say would annoy me to point of me wanting to hit him. It's such a shame because my girlfriends adored him, my mother though never having met him respected him. I mean we were prefect in public, but a mess in private. So happy out on the town, but in total chaos at home lounging. I was never going to be able to love him, and there was simply nothing more I could learn from him so I had no other options but to leave.

I know this may sound strange, but I really do think that there are still many good reasons to say in a relationship even when love is absent. For me, the main reason why I stay is to learn. Relationships are like mini-crash courses in life, how other's live life, and how to incorporate others in your life. They teach me what I'm looking for and what I'm not. Before SO1, I guess I was only looking for companionship and some fun, but now I want a little more than that. I want the whole 9 yards, love and all. I want to be dizzy with it, to the point of nausea and nothing less.

In retrospect, I see that I got involves with SO1 for the wrong reasons. I was only with him because he filled a void of loneliness, a loneliness that feared to let survive, but I no longer fear loneliness. What I fear is a life without love, learning, and peace. Knowing myself, I will never stop learning because learning gives me peace. The only thing that I need to work on is love. It's weird because I'm having all of these questions about coincidence and fate and what things will work out and what won't, and I really feel like God is setting me up for something. I can feel the universe moving all of the pieces in place around me, and I just have to wait for them to take their final positions. Yes, I'm ready to be lonely. I'm ready to be quiet and at ease because love is working on finding me.

Monday, August 15, 2005

Coincidence or Fate?

Today as I was driving out of my apartment complex, I saw an old high school acquaintance pulling into the driveway. At first I didn't know who he was, but he was starring so hard into my face that I thought he was about to crawl into the car with me. As I took a closer look at him, I realized that I know this man. I wondered if this was mere coincidence or if our paths were destined to intersect. There is a point when coincidence stops and fate starts. I feel that this relationship is heading for the latter of the two.

In high school, the two of us never talked. We knew of each other, but never actually had a conversation. About a month ago, I saw him in a nightclub in Nashville, and I was so shocked. I went to high school in Mississippi and I never expected to see anyone from my school living and working in Nashville. Anyway, we exchanged a few words, nothing major. In honesty, we didn't have much to say to one another. Now, I find out that he lives in the same apartment complex as me. Okay, that's too strange to be coincidence don't you think?

Friday, August 12, 2005

Meteor Shower

Last night me and my mom decided to head out for a late night snack. We wanted ice cream and determined that since there was going to be a meteor shower that we would sit out under the stars, eating ice cream, waiting the sky fall in on us. So we went to Sonic for one of their delicious Oreo blasts and drove around town looking for a dark place to watch. Unfortunately, we did not feel safe in any of the dark places that we know around Nashville so we wound up in the brightness of Walmart's parking lot. The moon had already set and there was only one visible star in the sky, and though I did not get to see one meteor fall that night, I got to see so much more. We started to talk about the songs she used to sing to us as babies. She said she would always sing "Somewhere over the Rainbow" and "Moon River." I asked her to sing it to me again for old times sake and through she was a bit embarrassed and didn't quite remember the words, she dug down deep and sung "Moon River" for me. It was actually kind of sweet, and though I can not possibly remember being a baby in my mother's arms, hearing that song whispered out of her lips made me remember a feeling of comfort and safety that I've forgotten. No, I didn't see one shooting star that night, but my mother was glowing enough to light up the sky.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Free Time? Friend or Foe

A friend told me today that I have too much time on my hand, and though I admit this is true, I wanted to scream into the universe, "Is that such a bad thing?" When did the only acceptable lifestyle become the one where you barely have time to sit for a 20 minute period of time and breathe in and out for a while. Why has it become acceptable for every person between the ages of 18-65 to always be on the run? It seems unfair to me that since my job in only 30 hours a week, and I don't consume my time with any other organizations, that I should receive the raised eyebrow comment, "You must have a lot of free time on your hands." Damn it, yes I do. And I'm not the one who deserves the raised eyebrow, it's you.

I've done the whole multi-tasking I don't have 5 minutes to myself thing in college, and though it does has it's merits, such as never allowing you to be bored, I am perfectly content to be without the hustle and bustle. The only bad part about having a lot of fun time is the boredom and the ever increasing feeling that I should be doing something constructive. However, it's allowed me to start so many new creative projects such as this wonderful webjournal and a healthy start to a novel. Although the story may never get finish and may never be up to publishing par, it's just so refreshing to get what's bothering me off my chest in converted in the form of a fictional narrative.

Anyway, I'm sure soon enough I'll be back to my, "I'm sorry, I'll have to talk to you later" ways, but until then, I'm just going to lounge and let the time fly by.

Sunday, August 07, 2005

I've Got a Golden Ticket

Though my day yesterday was not practically exciting, I can't help feeling proud of the spirit in which I lived my day. I admit I was late to rise, waking up at about 10:30am and not getting out of bed until well after noon, because I was captivated by the delightfully charming book Naked, by David Sedaris. However, once I tore myself away from my bed, the speed of which I flew across my house with child-like joy was amazing. I had the song "I've Got a Golden Ticket" in my head, and it was so bad that I had to get out my Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory soundtrack (Yes, I have the soundtrack) to sing along to my favorites. I was even so moved as to choreograph a little dance routine about the happiness of receiving a golden ticket. It was truly a jaw dropping avant-garde piece, and I'm sure it would get rave reviews if I took it to Broadway. Since remakes of classic movies seem to be so popular in this century, if anyone knows of anyone looking for a choreographer for the stage rendition of The Chocolate Factory, please let me know. It's time that I set the world on fire with my moves.