Reluctantly Upgrading

I’m starting to think that I will never get out of debt. Just as I was rejoicing about my raise and the balance on my credit card getting smaller and smaller, my laptop decided to take a turn for the worst. My floppy disk drive gave out on me, and the worst part is that there seems to be no replacing it. I’ve always owned hand me down computers, which were completely functional just not very up to date. I'm usually cool with that though because I’m not a big gadget person. I have no desire to update my Playstation One, for any of the latest systems. I refuse to spend my money on a Ipod because I really do enjoy carrying 50 pounds worth of CDs around with me (what can I say, I’m a big fan of cover art). So of course I feel the same way about my computer. I've been working off of Windows 95 for the last 7 years and had no desire to upgrade. The computer itself still works fine. It's only the floppy drive that needs replacing, but it’s impossible to find an external floppy drive that is compatible with Windows 95.

I nearly cried in the store when they told me that there was no hope for my ancient electronic friend, and I was furious at how expensive it is to set up a new computer. I mean I don’t mind paying $800 for a desktop, but when you have to add an extra $150 for Microsoft Word, an extra $100 a modem, an extra $80 for wireless internet connections, and an extra $40 for a printer cable, all of those little extras get you to the point that you want to hit someone. Especially since I’ve always gotten my computers second-hand, the thought of paying $150 for software that I’ve always gotten for free, seemed preposterous to me.

Anyway, my temper has finally cooled down now that I actually have the new computer in my house. It’s absolutely beautiful with its glistening 22 inch screen and the brand new desk that it’s sitting on. I spent entirely too much money on it, and it’s going to take me 6 months to pay it all off, but I think it’s worth it. Knowing me I’ll probably keep the thing forever. Plus, I now have a $1500 reason to finish my novel.

Where Are They Now?

It’s been over two years since the Ex broke up with me. He was on a mission to “find himself” and wanted to see if he could make it in the acting and modeling market in New York. I didn’t put up much of a fight when he said that he was leaving because I was trying to follow the saying “If you love someone set them free.” It was hard to let go at first because I was so deeply in love with him. I would have even followed him to New York if he asked, but he never did. I cried for two weeks straight over him, partly because I was hurting but mostly because I knew he was making a mistake. What could I do though? We all need to find our own path, so I wished him luck even gave him a book that I thought would help him with his search, but of course things didn’t work out the way he planned. New York was not very kind to him and he wound up working in sales and promotions, instead of actually modeling. He’s become a traveling salesman of sorts, promoting what ever company will hire him at fairs, parades, and conferences. It’s a bull-shit job if you ask me and a bull shit life. He’s always traveling, doing unrewarding work, and missing out on all types of activities with friends and family.

Although we’ve been apart, the Ex and I have continued to keep in touch mostly by phone and a few emails here and there, but this year he’s been unusually good about visiting me. He’s passed through Nashville 3 times already this year and has gone out of his way to make sure that we could be together every time. Although he has not officially said anything, it is clear that he wants me back. A year ago, I would have jumped at the opportunity to recapture what we lost, but now I no longer feel inspired by him. He seems both different and the same in all of the wrong ways.

I hate his new physique. He’s so much leaner than he used to be, and I always used to like that extra bit of weight on him. Plus, he started to shave his head to hide his pre-mature balding, which would be okay if he didn’t have one of those unfortunate heads that just looks awkward bald. His personality hasn’t changed one iota though, but in that sad, pathetic way that lets you know the person hasn’t grown or developed into anything better since you left them. There’s nothing about him that attracts me anymore and all of his moves that used to work every time on me, did nothing for me last night. What ever we had is officially over and it’s so empowering to finally be able to close the book on the Ex. There is no more wondering what if, because I know now that it was never meant to be.

This weekend, I’ve also closed the book on another infamous ex, everyone’s favorite, Rocky. I hadn’t seen Rocky in several months and was not complaining. I just figured he moved on and found someone new, however this weekend I found out from Rocky’s trusted sidekick that he was arrested for another DUI in May and since this is his second one that he has to do some jail time and will then be deported. I tried to show sympathy to Rocky’s sidekick, but all of my insides were smiling. Is that wrong? I mean I can’t really feel sorry for him because he deserves it. I’m just frustrated because I know that Rocky is probably stewing in jail, contemplating on all the people he could blame for his incarceration. He would never blame himself, and Lord knows he would never try to learn from his mistakes or change. I can only hope that he proves me wrong. Maybe being sent back to Mexico is exactly what he needs. Lord, knows the States didn’t do him any good.

Anyway, I’m still coming to grips with the fact that I have an ex-boyfriend in prison, and I’m not sure whether I should be amused or embarrassed about it. I’m just thankful that I made it out of the Rocky relationship undamaged and actually even strong than before. I’m at last in a good place in my life, and I know that I’m stable now because on my shaky experiences with the exs.