The Break-Up Continues

This break-up seems to be a never-ending process, because Rocky is not taking “no” for an answer. I admit that I am partially to blame for not taking a firmer stance in this break-up, but as I’ve said before, I simply can not bring myself to dislike Rocky. I still see too much good in his heart, and I can’t simply throw him aside as if he never meant anything to me.

For a while there, I thought this break-up was really going to work. I told him that I wanted him to stop calling me and to stop bothering me at the club, and he managed to do that for about a week. However, he wasn’t able to resist himself on Friday, because he called me about 8 times and finally just showed up at my front door. Like a fool, I let him in to hear his story, and it was very dramatic one, like it always is.

His wife had already stolen his cell phone and all of his identification. Now, she withdrew all of the money they had in their bank account, leaving him destitute until he gets paid again. He said that he just deposited his most recent paycheck as well. The woman is pure evil. She’s lied to both Rocky and I about being pregnant and she even had to audacity the threaten me. I am seriously doubting all of the information that I’ve received from her. She can not be trusted.

Anyway, once Rocky finished his 10-minute horror story about his wife, he then proceeded to tell me over the next 2 hours, how none of these things really mattered to him. He didn’t come to my home to talk about his wife, he came because he just had to see me, because he needed me, because he wanted me back. He said that of all of the things that that woman destroyed in his life, the only thing that he can't bare to lose is me. He did more than cry about it. He quite literally sobbed over me the way most widows sob over a beloved husbands casket. His love for me is so heartbreakingly tragic that it inspires the romantic side of my heart that wants him back and silences all the logic in my brain that is saying that he is not worth my time.

I still don’t know what is right or wrong anymore, so I think that it’s time to bring in the big guns. I think that I must finally tell my mother the truth about what happened between Rocky and I. She met Rocky before and saw how happy he made me, and I think that she could quite possibly be the best judge of the situation. If she can get past all of Rocky’s errors and accept him as a son-in-law, then perhaps I will give Rocky another chance as soon as his divorce is final. However, if she says no, then I would have to agree with her decision. I’m afraid that I already know what she will say, but I’m still curious to get her answer anyway. As of right now, all she knows is that Rocky and I broke up for an unknown reason, and to tell you the truth she’s on Rocky’s side at the moment, thinking that I’m being a little too hard of him. I wonder how the tables will turn once she knows the whole ugly truth.

Regrets?

I have mountains of proof and billions of reasons why I should never speak to Rocky again, yet I’m still having a hard time letting Rocky go. I can’t bring myself to hate or even dislike him because I still love him more than I care to admit.

Earlier this week I was trying to be strong and I was doing a fairly good job of putting Rocky behind me. I managed to avoid most of his phone calls and the few calls that I did accept I never wavered. I told him repeatedly that I no longer loved him (which was a lie) and that I didn’t want him anymore (which is kind of true), plus I said a menagerie of really mean things that literally made him cry. Still even with all of this abuse, Rocky never wavered. No matter what I did or said Rocky still loved me and still wanted me back, until last night.

Last night Rocky arrived at the salsa club with roses and a storm of apologies. I managed to stay strong and put a façade of composure on this grossly disheveled body, but in reality I was nauseous with feelings for Rocky and wanted nothing more to comfort him because in comforting him I would be comforting myself. However, I silenced this desire and didn’t even accept Rocky’s roses. Instead of taking Rocky’s flowers with me, I left them with my friends because they convinced me that if I accepted his gift that it would only give him encouragement and that I should set firm boundaries. Well, their suggestion worked big time because a few hours later I got a message from Rocky saying that he was upset that I would let anyone else have the gift that he bought special for me; that he could see now that I really don’t love him anymore and that he would never speak to me again.

I listened to that message a dozen times, almost unable to believe that it was as easy as that. If I left well enough alone this would probably be the end of the story, but the stupid heartbroken girl that I am called Rocky today. I had honorable intentions really. I thought he wouldn’t accept my call; that it would go to voicemail and that I would get to leave a farewell message. Unfortunately, the clever man pick up the phone swearing that he didn’t mean what he said and that he still wanted to get back together. With one phone call, I ruined all of the progress I was making and I don’t know whether to regret it or rejoice in it. Do I really want Rocky out of my life forever? Is doing the logical thing always the right thing?

Even my friends are having a hard time telling me definitely what to do. One of my girlfriends even gave two dozen very true negative traits and then asked me what’s so great about Rocky. When I said that he made me happy and that I loved him, she had no reply. I mean what can you say to a person to console them in this situation? There is no good solution. To matter what I choose I’m losing something. If I go back…Oh God, what am saying? I can’t go back! There is no place for him and me in this world. After all that has happened, I could never be proud of him. I could never bring him home and say Rocky was the most worthy of all the men I know. This is killing me! I don’t even have a choice to make yet I drowning in this rhetorical question.

Temporary Insanity

As I expected, my happiness with Rocky had to end. Unfortunately, it ended in a very dramatic, Young and the Restless type of way.

New Year’s Eve at Ibiza, Rocky’s ex-wife was there, and I spent the entire night fearing that she might knock me out. Things were fine at first, but after I’d been dancing with Rocky for a while, she came up to him and started a very intense conversation. I just stepped out of the way and keep walking because I feared for my safety and because I wanted to be respectful of their relationship. It was clear that they had unfinished business to work out and I figured that they owed each other whatever closure they hadn’t accomplished already. Silly me, because as it turns out Rocky hasn’t been too separated from his wife during their so call “divorce” because they’ve been together intimately within the last two months and now she claims to be pregnant. It sounds like she wants Rocky back for obvious reasons with a child on the way, and believe me I’m only too happy to step aside and let her have him.

I even got a chance to talk quite extensively with his wife at the club and we exchanged numbers at the end of the night. Rocky warned me that she was violent, but I actually found the opposite to be true. She seemed like a perfectly rational woman, very intelligent, very well spoken and I have nothing but respect for her and how she handled the entire situation.

Rocky, on the other hand, has a lot of skeletons in his closet that he was never going to tell me about. He has a drinking problem, with at least one DUI in the past, he’s had at least one major depressive episode with a suicide attempt, and is a perpetual liar. I truly believe that Rocky’s feelings for me are true and that he can change for the better, but I think that I’ve been hurt enough by his reckless behavior. I’m getting out and I’m currently dealing with the awkward process of cutting him out of my life. Unfortunately, he is a lot more persistent than the Colombian and is not going to go quietly in the night. He called me at least seven times yesterday, shouting a dozen “I love you’s” and getting progressively drunker as the night wore on. For a split second of insanity, I was considering staying friends with Rocky, but it’s clear now that that’s going to be impossible. I have to cut all ties with Rocky, which means no more phone calls, no more pleasantries, and definitely no more dancing.

I’ll, of course, miss him because at least for a short while he made me a very happy woman. I had the time of my life with him, but I’m wise enough to know when I’m defeated, wise enough to know when to let go.