Regrets?

I have mountains of proof and billions of reasons why I should never speak to Rocky again, yet I’m still having a hard time letting Rocky go. I can’t bring myself to hate or even dislike him because I still love him more than I care to admit.

Earlier this week I was trying to be strong and I was doing a fairly good job of putting Rocky behind me. I managed to avoid most of his phone calls and the few calls that I did accept I never wavered. I told him repeatedly that I no longer loved him (which was a lie) and that I didn’t want him anymore (which is kind of true), plus I said a menagerie of really mean things that literally made him cry. Still even with all of this abuse, Rocky never wavered. No matter what I did or said Rocky still loved me and still wanted me back, until last night.

Last night Rocky arrived at the salsa club with roses and a storm of apologies. I managed to stay strong and put a façade of composure on this grossly disheveled body, but in reality I was nauseous with feelings for Rocky and wanted nothing more to comfort him because in comforting him I would be comforting myself. However, I silenced this desire and didn’t even accept Rocky’s roses. Instead of taking Rocky’s flowers with me, I left them with my friends because they convinced me that if I accepted his gift that it would only give him encouragement and that I should set firm boundaries. Well, their suggestion worked big time because a few hours later I got a message from Rocky saying that he was upset that I would let anyone else have the gift that he bought special for me; that he could see now that I really don’t love him anymore and that he would never speak to me again.

I listened to that message a dozen times, almost unable to believe that it was as easy as that. If I left well enough alone this would probably be the end of the story, but the stupid heartbroken girl that I am called Rocky today. I had honorable intentions really. I thought he wouldn’t accept my call; that it would go to voicemail and that I would get to leave a farewell message. Unfortunately, the clever man pick up the phone swearing that he didn’t mean what he said and that he still wanted to get back together. With one phone call, I ruined all of the progress I was making and I don’t know whether to regret it or rejoice in it. Do I really want Rocky out of my life forever? Is doing the logical thing always the right thing?

Even my friends are having a hard time telling me definitely what to do. One of my girlfriends even gave two dozen very true negative traits and then asked me what’s so great about Rocky. When I said that he made me happy and that I loved him, she had no reply. I mean what can you say to a person to console them in this situation? There is no good solution. To matter what I choose I’m losing something. If I go back…Oh God, what am saying? I can’t go back! There is no place for him and me in this world. After all that has happened, I could never be proud of him. I could never bring him home and say Rocky was the most worthy of all the men I know. This is killing me! I don’t even have a choice to make yet I drowning in this rhetorical question.