PDA

I was called "cold" for the first time in my life this weekend, and though the Columbian didn't say it in an offensive way, there are just certain words that are insulting no matter how kindly you say them. On a scale of relativity, the Columbian is right. I'm not even half as affectionate as he is, and what worries me about that is that I don't know if I could ever be as open with my emotions as he is. Something inside me will not allow me to show my passion for someone in the middle of a very public place. It's just not my style, and it frustrates him because every time I pull away, he's thinking that I'm not interested in him when really I'm just trying to get some air and checking to see whether or not all of Nashville is looking at the two of us with raised eyebrows.

There are some things that you just don't realize until you're with someone new who challenges you and makes you reflect about the way you've done things in the past. I'm starting to realize that my aversion for all types of public display of affection has caused me to miss out on some pretty normal relationship milestones. Even holding hands in public is an awkward experience for me, and my tension surrounding such a simple form of affection is really making me doubt my ability to love. Maybe my timid nature is bordering on frigidity or perhaps the problem isn't truly with me alone, but instead a conflict of two different affection ideals. My preference is slow, gentle embraces with a lot of Eskimo type kisses whereas his actions are so much faster, stronger, and direct that sometimes, I just want to push him away and say, "Could you please stop trying to engulf my entire head in one swallow, and hold me the way that you do when we're dancing," but I neither have the courage nor the Spanish language skills to say this or any of the other things that I feel. I can see myself making the same mistake with the Columbian that I've made with all the others, leaping without looking and falling into his arms simply because they are open to me. However, open arms are never enough. Communication is the key and our language barrier is a big problem that only time can remedy. So it appears that I will not be running off into the sunset with the Columbian as soon as I thought. There is still so much left to discuss and so many gaps left to bridge, and I fear that if we don't at least find some middle ground between his hot and my cold then our spark is doomed to fizzle out before it even starts to burn.