Welcome to My Living Novel

In my world, the plot is always thickening.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006


I was called "cold" for the first time in my life this weekend, and though the Columbian didn't say it in an offensive way, there are just certain words that are insulting no matter how kindly you say them. On a scale of relativity, the Columbian is right. I'm not even half as affectionate as he is, and what worries me about that is that I don't know if I could ever be as open with my emotions as he is. Something inside me will not allow me to show my passion for someone in the middle of a very public place. It's just not my style, and it frustrates him because every time I pull away, he's thinking that I'm not interested in him when really I'm just trying to get some air and checking to see whether or not all of Nashville is looking at the two of us with raised eyebrows.

There are some things that you just don't realize until you're with someone new who challenges you and makes you reflect about the way you've done things in the past. I'm starting to realize that my aversion for all types of public display of affection has caused me to miss out on some pretty normal relationship milestones. Even holding hands in public is an awkward experience for me, and my tension surrounding such a simple form of affection is really making me doubt my ability to love. Maybe my timid nature is bordering on frigidity or perhaps the problem isn't truly with me alone, but instead a conflict of two different affection ideals. My preference is slow, gentle embraces with a lot of Eskimo type kisses whereas his actions are so much faster, stronger, and direct that sometimes, I just want to push him away and say, "Could you please stop trying to engulf my entire head in one swallow, and hold me the way that you do when we're dancing," but I neither have the courage nor the Spanish language skills to say this or any of the other things that I feel. I can see myself making the same mistake with the Columbian that I've made with all the others, leaping without looking and falling into his arms simply because they are open to me. However, open arms are never enough. Communication is the key and our language barrier is a big problem that only time can remedy. So it appears that I will not be running off into the sunset with the Columbian as soon as I thought. There is still so much left to discuss and so many gaps left to bridge, and I fear that if we don't at least find some middle ground between his hot and my cold then our spark is doomed to fizzle out before it even starts to burn.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Could It Be Fate?

I’m getting ready to take my salsa dancing to a whole new level. I’ve been asked to be part of a salsa team at my favorite nightclub Ibiza. At first, I was skeptical about it, because I really hate the ballroom dancer style of salsa. It’s so staged and unnatural that it’s actually painful for me to watch it, but I was pleasantly surprised to find out that ballroom salsa is not what this team is about at all. Our team leader and salsa teacher is really encouraging everyone to keep their own unique style and to keep our moves as natural as possible. He’s eventually hoping to schedule us exhibitions at other clubs across the South and doing lessons for the local news stations in Nashville. He even talked about possibly getting paying gigs if our team became popular. At this remark, my mind began to wonder and create a thousand magical scenarios of me becoming a professional salsa dancer and simply living the rest of my life doing my favorite hobby. It was a nice daydream until I realized that I’m not officially a part of the team yet. I still have to try out for it, but I’m not too worried about the whole audition process. I think that I’m one of the best girls there, and they would definitely be a little insane not to include me.

When I reflect about where I’ve been and where I’ve arrived too, I began to see how much symmetry my life has. Some people would say that I’ve reached this serendipitous point due to good planning or because of the choices that I made, but what about fate? I’d like to think that the gods have something to do with everything fitting together like a prefect pre-manufactured puzzle. Just as this wonderful salsa team is starting, I’m quitting my evening job allowing me time to go to more of the practices. And although I was a little sad to let the Neighbor go, now that he’s out of my life, I have one less distraction and one less obligation to attend to. Plus, my new car has been a godsend. I would have never been able to do go to all these salsa practices if it wasn’t for the timely addition of my new Scion. There has to be a greater meaning to why everything is fitting together so nicely. It’s like the universe is getting me ready for something big and I can’t help but to bite my fingernails in anticipation of what fate has in store for me next.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

The Enlightenment

Religion has never been a big part of my life. In fact, I tend to take every reasonable effort possible to avoid structured religious services, but regardless of my aversion of the church scene, I like to believe that have own type of spirituality, based on the quaint parables that have inspired me the most. However, my very vague notion of religion was put on trial this weekend by a surprising new acquaintance of mine. I have never met someone so passionate about believing in nothing. I thought the whole point of being an atheist was not to get riled up about anything religious, but this guy takes proving religion wrong very seriously. After nearly three hours of listening to him rant and rave about the evils of religion, I got a pretty good understanding of where he was coming from and will share a taste of his dissertation here, solely to understand and reflect on why I both agree and disagree with his theories.

He says that religion is merely a complex fiction used to control people and motivate them to do ridiculous things they would not do if they were thinking rationally. Regardless of whether you choose Christianity, Islam, Judaism, or Hinduism, in his eyes, all religions are based on the same ideas of magic and folklore that are just as baseless as Greek gods and goddesses that we now classify in the category of mythology today. At this I could see his point because when I separate myself from everything that I grew up believing, I can see the absurdity of all those Sunday school lessons I was taught to believe as true. However, just because a story is improbable doesn’t mean that it’s impossible, and just because we can’t prove the degree to which the supernatural exists doesn’t mean that the possibility is not there.

He also believes that the source of every conflict and war that we are faced with today is due to the fictions of religion. He has painted himself a beautiful utopia where everyone becomes “enlightened” and sees the evils of their religion and how those holy falsehoods have caused more suffering than good. He suggests that we banished all religious practice and watch as all humanity unites in peace and harmony. I’m all for a peaceful utopia, but I don’t believe that his method could ever work. We will still have cultural and language barriers to separate us, and greed to motivate the powerful to take advantage of the weak. We have a long list of issues to sort through in order to reach a peaceful existence, so why so abruptly try to take away a belief system that is such an integral part of so many people’s lives and has helped so many people better themselves and their communities. I can hardly consider a world without religion an enlightened one. Denying religion feels like denying a major part of what it is to be human. I don’t know why I feel this way, but it seems that there is something in all of us that wants to look toward the sky, that wants there to be something more meaningful out there, that wants to know that magic is possible. Maybe it’s naïve at my age to believe in magical supernatural beings in the sky, but that belief has given me confront for a lot of years, and I don’t see how giving that up now will bring enlightenment any nearer.