Love, Learning, and Peace

I had a really good conversation last night about love. It's the big word of our times, and it is always on our minds. And somehow the subject came up as I was talking with the most unlikely person. He is an acquaintance that I met at a wedding a few months ago, and ever since he writes me and calls ever so often. He's not quite my type. Way too macho and I'd hate to say it, but just I little bit angry at the world. It frustrates me so to see so much anger in a person, but he has his moments when he can be fascinating and sensitive, and last night was one of them.

Anyway, he asks about my "boyfriend," which is not an uncommon subject. I told him that I officially broke of with him a few weeks ago. Being as this is the first time I completely admitted that I actually had a "boyfriend," he was very inquisitive, wanting to know exactly why I ended it. I said it was because we didn't fit well together, and I was never going to fall in love with him. Since this is a very bold assumption to make, he questioned how I could know so soon that love was not even a possibility. To tell you the truth there's no simple answer to that question. Everything about this man, who I shall name Significant Other 1 a.k.a. SO1, was prefect on paper but not at all inspiring to be around. He was successful, responsible, always kind and thoughtful, but I was not moved by him. He had everything that I wanted for myself, but yet I did not find him wise enough to teach me anything of great value. He did amuse me though. We could go out together dancing or play some pool and we'd have the best time of our lives, but when we were alone and all was quiet we had nothing to say to one another. There was no peace in our conversations, because the few things he did have to say would annoy me to point of me wanting to hit him. It's such a shame because my girlfriends adored him, my mother though never having met him respected him. I mean we were prefect in public, but a mess in private. So happy out on the town, but in total chaos at home lounging. I was never going to be able to love him, and there was simply nothing more I could learn from him so I had no other options but to leave.

I know this may sound strange, but I really do think that there are still many good reasons to say in a relationship even when love is absent. For me, the main reason why I stay is to learn. Relationships are like mini-crash courses in life, how other's live life, and how to incorporate others in your life. They teach me what I'm looking for and what I'm not. Before SO1, I guess I was only looking for companionship and some fun, but now I want a little more than that. I want the whole 9 yards, love and all. I want to be dizzy with it, to the point of nausea and nothing less.

In retrospect, I see that I got involves with SO1 for the wrong reasons. I was only with him because he filled a void of loneliness, a loneliness that feared to let survive, but I no longer fear loneliness. What I fear is a life without love, learning, and peace. Knowing myself, I will never stop learning because learning gives me peace. The only thing that I need to work on is love. It's weird because I'm having all of these questions about coincidence and fate and what things will work out and what won't, and I really feel like God is setting me up for something. I can feel the universe moving all of the pieces in place around me, and I just have to wait for them to take their final positions. Yes, I'm ready to be lonely. I'm ready to be quiet and at ease because love is working on finding me.