This is Only the Beginning

My hands at the age of two were holding a pair of diapers telling my mother that it’s time for a changing. I take pride in the fact that I was late to potty train. It’s not because I was unable, but simply because I was too frightened to take the whole bathroom on by myself. The bathroom is a scary place. You’re truly all alone in the bathroom. If anything goes wrong while you’re in there and you are forced to call another person in to help you, it is by far the most embarrassing experience. Take to account the bodily functions you perform in the bathroom, such as the peeing, defecating, bleeding, throwing up, and butting-nakedness. It’s not a pretty picture.

And what if things didn’t go quite as you planned? What if the toilet decided to stop flushing right as you induced vomiting because you were stupid enough to mistake a can of hairspray for whip-cream? What if it was your fault that the toilet was clogged because you threw too many used “flushable” tampons down the pipes? These things do happen and I must admit that it is quite embarrassing when they do. At the age of two, I was insightful enough to realize the hell a bathroom causes a person’s sanity, and I chose to avoid the whole situation and stay in diapers forever.

Of course this phase passed, as most phases do. I learned to be independent and go to the bathroom alone. Now that I’m 22 and just graduated from college last year, I’m dreading a new sort of independence. I’m supposed to be out on my own, and yet I just can’t quite get the hang of it. It’s not rocket science, I know, but it’s hard to figure out how to be happy on your own when you’ve always had you’re family around you to keep you company and to figuratively change that diaper when you needed them too.

I’m also so frustrated with the sheer boredom that is day to day life. No one warned me about it. Nobody told me that once you get out of school that your brain stops working because there is no one challenging you to see the opposing viewpoint. There is no more commentary on the subtle nuisances of academia. There’s no more anything. It’s cruel and inhumane punishment to spend your entire young life taking 6-8 subjects at a time, constantly having your brain jump from one subject to another. Then, once you get a job, it’s like your stuck in the same boring History of Amebas class for the next 5-10 years of your life. How can we expect our brains to stand still without going a touch crazy? How do we expect our brain to be so lively and diverse for our youth and then chain it down to our bed post for the rest of our adult lives? I just can’t figure that one out.

I’m, of course, still trying to figure out which field is right for me and which field I am qualified for, but I can’t help but to be discouraged. No matter what field I choose, there is that chance of boredom, and the fatigue that is rush hour traffic only to go to a job where I will do the same tasks I did yesterday and learn absolutely nothing. I keep telling myself to hold on for 30 seconds more, don’t give up, because your life can change so quickly. I’ve experienced it before to. Just as I was about to give up on life, I got a phone call that changed everything. So though I don’t have the answers yet, and I’m as confused as two-year old learning how to live without the security of diapers, I know that if I can just hold on for at least 30 seconds more, that it will make all the difference.