Detours

Life is a road trip, and this year has been nothing but one big detour. I’m grateful for the experiences, and all the lessons learned, but I truly regret losing track of my final destination, losing track of my goals for the future.

I’m letting job stability get in the way of creativity, becoming a little too complacent with the status quo. At work all I have to do is show-up, complete a menagerie of simple tasks, and like clock work I get my reward. Instant gratification spoils a girl, and the idea slaving over fruitless words day after day has lost its appeal to me. Don’t get me wrong, I would still like to be a writer, it’s just hard to find the motivation to live alone inside my own head when it’s so much easier to make bread in other ways.

Also, I’ve let boy drama distract me, picking up hopeless hitch-hiker after hitch-hiker. These men were just as clueless as I, yet I naively thought that they would be good company, or that they could somehow help me through my journey. In the end, each hitch-hiker that I met took me in the wrong direction. By now, I must be a thousand miles from my destination, but I’m not lost. I know all the roads that I need to take to get back on track. I just need to stay on the main road, avoid the detours, and avoid letting another hitch-hiker steer me the wrong way.

The End of This Tragic Love Story

I no longer need my mother’s advice about Rocky because the Saint put it all into perspective for me.

Last night, I told the Saint that I agreed to give Rocky another chance once his dicorce was final. The Saint laughed at first, because I even admitted outright that I was making a mistake. However, later that night the Saint came up to me and gave me a piece of his mind. At first, he appeared completely harmless as he danced up to me with a smile on his face, but within a few seconds that smile faded and the Saint was all about business. He said, “I’m upset with you for going back to him. I was so happy when you left him, because you were finally getting out of the mud. Now, you’re choosing to go back to the mud again!” He shook his head and continued, “Haven’t you learned yet that you can’t change a person? The man is a fuck-up, and always will be. You can do ten times better.”

As the Saint finished his rant, Rocky came up behind him, said hello, and shook his hand. Rocky had no idea that the Saint had just given him such a bad review, and the Saint didn’t let on either. The Saint just smiled shook his hand and went about his business, leaving me hopelessly confused about what to do with Rocky.

The Saint is completely right though, and in two minutes he told me very concisely what I needed to hear. It’s strange, because most everyone that I know (with the exception of 3 people) have been telling me that Rocky is bad for me. They go through dozens of negative traits that Rocky has, but I couldn’t seem to weigh those pros and cons very effectively because Rocky’s love for me would always win. I needed the muddy imagery of the Saint’s words. I needed to hear what Rocky is, and not what he has done, because I can forgive the mistakes that someone makes, but if you are a “fuck-up,” there is nothing I can do to fix that.

So everyone, all I have to do now is find a way to break the news to Rocky again. I’m not looking forward to this conversation, but I do feel a little relief now that I know how this dramatic love story ends. Rocky and I will never end up together, no way, no how!