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In my world, the plot is always thickening.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

The Flying Enigma

Last night my mother was so quiet on the way home from work that it startled me. She is normally a raging chatterbox, truly believing that I need to know every ounce of the day’s ridiculous events. I listen because it gives her pleasure to keep me informed, but I really could care less about what the president is doing or how FEMA missed up for the umpteenth time. I let last night’s silence pass as if nothing was unusual, because I figure we all need our quiet days, but I was soon to find out why my mother was so quiet and it was not a pretty picture.

As it turns out, she was upset about a conservation she had with her brother that same night. He told her that he had a conversation with their mother, my grandmother, that day about death if they were ready to die. At the nursing home where my grandmother lives, all of her friends have died and she’s afraid that she might die too. She’s the last of nine brothers and sisters, and she’s the last of her old lady pack at the nursing home. She told my uncle that she wasn’t ready to die, yet because my aunt and uncle still needed her. When my uncle asked about my mother and whether my mother still needed her, my grandmother said that my mother has always been strong and has always been able to take care of herself. To my ears this sounds like a compliment, but this comment truly hurt my mother. For me, if my mother ever told me that I had everything under control and that I could take care I myself when my other siblings couldn’t, I would be proud, but somehow my mother feels misunderstood.

Of course, my uncle has his own special way of making a compliment sound like an insult, so I’m sure there is more to this story that my mother is not telling me. She did privy me to one of his remarks though. He said that my mother doesn't need anybody, and this comment really put her over the edge. She was so wounded by this comment that it showed all over her face. It was so strange for me to see my mother upset. She has always been the rock I could depend on to always be whole, but last night I saw that she can crack just as easily as anyone else.

She is right about one thing though. It is hurtful when the people you love don’t believe that you need them just because you can be strong and stand on your own two feet without them. Such a facade of strength is deceiving because it may look like her life is unaffected by the people around her, but the reality of the situation is that everything she does is for those cherished people. When the reason you live is for these beloved people and not even for yourself, to have one of the people you cherish tell you that you don’t need anyone would break your heart a little if not entirely. I know that if the person I adore doesn’t even understand how much I need them, or how much of my life I live solely for them, that I would feel like a complete failure, like all these years I spent loving them were wasted because I’m still misunderstood, still misjudged. Oh wow, when you look at it that way what my uncle said last night is almost unforgivable, but knowing my mother as the strong woman she is she will shake these beads of misconception off her feathered back and soar above us all again. She may still be a flying enigma to the people she loves but that will not stop her from loving us that much harder.

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