Oh, Brother

This holiday weekend my mom and I drove to North Carolina to visit my older brother. He moved there just one year ago to start a new career as a music teacher at a middle school that is literally in the middle of nowhere (a.k.a. the middle of a cotton field). What surprised me about this whole adventure was the amount of respect my brother held in this small community. He was clearly good at his job and the parents greatly appreciated the work he was doing with their children. In my mind, my brother is still the evil demon that tortured me for my entire adolescent life, so it’s next to impossible for me to imagine my brother in any respectable position such as a teacher of young minds. I guess some things you just have to see to believe and this trip made a believer out of me. People can change. People can mature. People can find a niche in life where their annoying idiocies are an asset instead of barrier.

Since my brother is also the assistant director of the marching band at the high school, we got to see him in action at the Friday night football game. He stood on his ladder, conducting 90-100 fresh-faced teenagers getting ready to play the Star-Spangled Banner. He kept on mouthing to the kids, “All eyes on me. Eyes on me.” Once he got control of everyone, he started the song, and it was so fascinating to see he’s arms move up and down with every crescendo or how he could force one particular section to play louder. I was very impressed and I am not easily impressed. I was glad to see him up on this self-made podium. In retrospect, I could see that his entire life was building up to this moment. His heinous desire to oppress and control me as a child developed into a very constructive and respectable desire to control and teach these school-aged children. I was proud of the life he’d chosen. It’s not the big life we all dream of as children, but it’s a life to be respected.

Although I know the respectable life is more rewarding in the long run, part of me still wants the big life, still wants that allusive part-time job that pays 100K a year. Some how I don’t think this dream will be coming true any time soon, so in the meantime I must ponder on how I will find a respectable life. In the past year, I’ve played with so many ideas of how to start my respectable life, but none of them seem to work out. At first I wanted to continue my education and go to grad school in Anthropology and/or law school, but I wasn’t sure if it was something I really wanted or if it was the easy way out. Next, I thought maybe I could get some work experience. I applied and interviewed for a kaleidoscope of unrewarding jobs and was always so hurt when didn’t get them. As I look back on my luck, I see that I would not been any better off if I received any of these jobs. Of course, these jobs would have made my checking account look that much more impressive, but I don’t think they would make me any happier.

So many of my peers have already started their respectable life, and it really makes me wonder what have I been doing wrong. Practically all of them, like my brother, have become teachers or some kind of education administrator. I feel it would be so easy to join them, and jump on the school daze bandwagon, but it’s simply not where I belong. I know what I’m waiting on, but it’s an idea so fragile that it’s impossible to explain right now. I’m sure that when this idea solidifies it will lead me to a life that is so much more rewarding because it is something that I’ve created from the ground up.