Coupling

When I was younger, I was sure that the art of coupling could not be as difficult as everyone made it out to be. However, sometimes I find myself in the same shipwrecked boat as some of my favorite soap opera characters, tragically thrown off course from my quest to find the Holy Grail of relationships. Although I’m in no big hurry to see a ring on my finger, I am very impatient to know the conclusion of all of my growing pains because it’s the mystery of the unknown in my finances, career, and love life that keep me up at night.

I always think of myself as a very logical person, thinking things through and deciding what is best for my future, but so far this process hasn’t worked in any of my relationships. Every time I use logic to start a relationship, it always leads to boredom and numbness. I still do not understand the arbitrary force the drives me in relationships, but it clearly has a more effective strategy than my head because when I let that force work unhindered magic always follows.

Sadly, I have little magic to report from this weekend’s adventures, but I will say that the abstract force that controls my heart probably saved me from three different gentleman who I’m sure in the end would have bored me to tears. One of the men was absolutely gorgeous but nothing under the surface to move me. The second was very charming, but unfortunately not very easy on the eyes. And though there was a lot under the surface to perk my interests, it’s all for nothing if there is no real attraction. And lastly a blast from the past decided to resurface, calling me after a year and a half hiatus. He was a prefect mix of attractiveness and substance, so I decided to give the slacker the benefit of the doubt and agreed to met him if for no other reason than to figure out why our spark fizzled out.

We had the best dates ever with candlelit dinners, and Gene Kelly/Fred Astair dancing in the park. There was definitely magic there all those years ago, but I think that’s what scared him away. I think that he, like so many other men his age, does not date in the hopes of finding something real. Having a fling is so easy and uncomplicated that maybe having an emotional connection with someone and actually caring about them is too intimidating. I understand why he disappeared, but I can’t forgive it. Our time has past and at least in my heart the magic is gone.

Yet, knowing all of this, it’s still hard to look at a perfectly amiable man who clearly adores me and know without a doubt that I would never be able to love him. I keep on thinking that I'm missing something, that if I try this or that that it would work, but love can’t be determined by how attractive, how successful, or how much potential you see in the other person. It’s more like a bolt of lightening that is beyond my control, and it rarly strikes with the same person twice.